I’ve been through so many layers of abuse, neglect and assault. It’s been scary. It’s been hard. It hurts.
I have the right to be angry at a lot of people - people I trusted - who were supposed to be there for me. Who said I mattered, who said they loved me.
And maybe they meant it - but they were too sick themselves to show it. Knowing this - coming back to this - has saved my life on so many levels, so many time.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about different pains I’ve gone through. Because honestly, they leave scars and remnants. I believe it’s to remind us of who we are - who we really are, not who we’ve come to believe.
Think about that for a second, as a side note. Why do you think you get so angry when people hurt you? Why do you cry? Why do you argue and fight to be seen, to be heard, to matter…? It’s because you actually believe deep down that you do matter. That you’re worth seeing and hearing. That you deserve better. You’re fighting to believe it - but you’re also fighting *because* you believe it.
The scars remain - I believe as reminders to never forget that we matter. Not to “never forget” what so-and-so did so much, but more - to remember that we are worth fighting for.
Even … especially …. The invisible scars.
Take abuse anxiety for example.
That’s just one symptom of many. But I use it as the example because it still happens today. When I feel backed into a corner, or am not sure I can trust someone, or someone from times past comes back into my present - the engine of my heart revs up -
For my protection.
She’s in there telling me, “Oh no. You aren’t safe. You deserve to be safe. You’re worthy of so much better.”
I cling to that.
Because the truth is - it’s not so simple, right? When you’ve been through trauma, you don’t just have this one wound that needs to heal or this one aspect of you that needs to be loved.
You have many.
You ARE many.
There’s a scared child inside me that panics and says, “Don’t let them hurt me!”
There’s a protective mother inside me that calmly yet sternly says, “Never again,” as she swoops me up to keep me safe.
There’s an angry wolf woman inside me ready to rip the skin off of any one that dares to go after them.
There’s a wise grandma inside me calming, guiding and teaching all of me to be strong, to love and see with both my heart and mind.
But I’m going to be brutally honest here.
That doesn’t happen naturally.
It doesn’t happen over time.
If you don’t actively *do the work* -
You won’t see the power in your scars - or believe in it.
You won’t see the depth of your worth.
You’ll feel forever held back.
(rightly so, but imprisoned to it and therefore still suffering at the hands of the past)
Captured by your own self.
Like anxiety for example.
Where it could be a guiding compass leading you away from danger and into self love,
It remains your prison.
Guiding you to stay right where you are
Taking no risks.
No stepping forward.
Using no voice.
Suffering in silence.
Stuffing all the fear and anger away to the most hidden parts of yourself until even your body can’t take it anymore. Until you lose the drive to move. To be part of life as you know it.
Stay in bead.
Too much pain.
Too tired to keep going. It’s so hard. And it hurts. Your heart, your head, your stomach…
And there’s your heart racing out of your chest again.
That’s when the dark fantasies come. Because you don’t know why you’re even here anymore.
Then shame shows up.
How dare you think that way??
I’m going to stop there because there’s nothing freeing about that rabbit hole.
But it’s very real. That's why I had to go there.
To remind you that what you cry about in secret isn’t fake.
It’s not made up.
You’re not crazy and there’s nothing wrong with you.
There’s something so deeply right about you and you’re angry and hurt and confused as to why others don’t see it. Why they don’t honor it and celebrate it. You wish they would because you’ve forgotten how. ….
And that’s the secret.
Being able to see what’s worth celebrating in you - and believing it.
You might think that’s too simple.
But let me tell you right now -
It’s why I’m not tormented by the assaults, abuse, neglect and gaslighting that was my NORMAL for so long.
It’s why I can believe in and BE myself.
It’s why I can love - even those that hurt me.
*you don’t have to stay in relationship/connection with people who have hurt you, but where you desire and are ready for that healing - it is possible and I’m happy to share the HOW with you*
It’s why you can move on. Guilt free. No longer bound to who you think you have to be but free to be …. At peace. As you.
I woke up with all of this swimming in my belly begging to be shared, believe it or not.
(Don’t believe me? Ask my partner. I literally woke up preaching this.)
Because it’s not just something I preach.
It’s what I practice.
I *ONLY* preach it because I practice it so much, I couldn’t stop if I tried.
This is my path.
Learning, discovering, loving, becoming….
And I'm here to share it with you for whatever reason your heart shows you.
Maybe you needed to be reminded you’re not alone - that you’ve got a friend… that gets it.
Maybe these posts are the wake up calls your soul needs to finally do something to take your life back - because you know you’re meant to FEEL and live at such a deeper level of love and freedom.
Maybe you’re ready to DO something about it and you want to work with me because you realize I’m not all glitter and talk. That THIS is the breakthrough work I do.
I lead you … to YOU.
To find you. Know you. Embrace the ALL of you. BECOME you. ACTIVATE you.
To believe in you.
To free you.
Don’t let that happen.
Do whatever it takes.
Whatever YOUR SOUL says to do.
This is your confirming message today:
BUY THE BOOK you’ve been looking at.
DO THE PROGRAM you’ve been considering.
HIRE the COACH or THERAPIST you’ve been watching (addictively) from a distance.
YOU taking action.
YOU doing the work.
YOU are the miracle you’ve been looking for.
I believe in you.
with love and fire,
PS: I’m opening up the next chunk of my year to 5 people - only the most ready and willing - to go deep into the work, shifting thoughts, patterns and perspectives - so that you can be ON TOP, know yourself and honestly, get your damn life back. Interested? Fill out the form below and tell me what you're sick of .... as well as what you're beyond ready for. I'll reach out, we'll chat and see if you're ready to do this work with me.
You've got this. And I've got you. So let's do it. Together.