Sometimes you’re on flow and nothing can stop you. Life just makes sense and it’s working. You feel good. And then other times, it totally doesn’t. It isn’t. You want to move forward but nothing makes sense and you just can’t seem to figure it all out. But what if that’s ok? What if you're not always meant to 'figure it out'?
I’ve been there more times than I can count.
There’s one time in particular that stands out in my mind - when nothing seemed to be working. My relationship was a mess- an emotional roller coaster, my finances were bleak - I was stressing over buying a cup of coffee, and my health was insane - I was hardly sleeping, having migraines all the time and I felt like I was just unraveling.
I needed a break. I needed to get away and figure this out. Going online only made it worse. The last thing I wanted to see was people relaxing by themselves on some beach in Tulum.
But that wasn’t an option for me. So what was I to do?
First I mulled over how unfair that was, and then I came back into my power.
I was a hot mess. Love. Money. Health. (And add to that, I’m a mom on duty - so I don’t want to show it.)
I was mostly frustrated, because I had been trying to fix this. I’d been trying to figure it out. I got tired of people offering their advice because I’d done all the things and I was still here. Broken heart, empty bank account and it hurt to move.
So I didn’t.
Instead, I gave myself permission to be still and stop trying to figure it all out.
Remember how you used to cut out red hearts in kindergarten for Valentine’s Day? You’d get the scissors and want it to be the perfect heart, so you’d keep trimming, keep shaping, keep perfecting it…. Until it was the size of a coin in your hand.
We cut and trim and work so hard to make things right, that we lose them.
Lesson one: You can try to fix and trim and perfect your life so much that you lose your mind.
So the first thing I did was give myself permission to be still and stop fixing.
(This included a serious ugly cry on my bathroom floor, followed by a hot bath.)
The second thing I did was reflect.
Lesson two: When everything is unraveling in your life and you feel like no answer is the right answer and nothing seems to be helping - stop and ask yourself what you need to know right now. Right now. Not forever, but right now.
In that “right now” moment, I knew I needed to pause. To sit in the hot bath. To breathe. To go inward and have a conversation with my heart.
“Heart, what do you want me to know?”
Boy, did my heart speak. First of all, it reminded me that sometimes the mess is here to teach us how to be more loving to ourselves, how to be more patient with others, how to practice trust or ask for help… or to show us more clearly where we doubt ourselves, what we’re afraid of and why we keep repeating the same painful patterns.
Most of all, my heart reminded me of how powerful, loving, creative and blessed I was in spite of this mess and that it was because I’m all those things that I know I’m meant for so much better.
Lesson three: The contrast between what we’re currently experiencing and what we know we’re meant for, is an invitation for us to believe and live like we’re worth closing that contrast gap and becoming the manifestation of what we’re waiting for.
But in the meantime, I wasn’t going to get anywhere ugly crying myself to sleep. Crying is healthy, but it’s a place you visit - not take up residence in. I needed to be focused (hourly at this point because it was that bad) on looking for the good. And not just the basics - but the beautiful. Sure, I had food to eat, but “mmmmmmmmm…. This food is so warm and nourishing and tastes like heaven.”
I needed to be intentional about finding what was delicious about the moments, the things and people I was thankful for.
The velvet warmth of a gentle kiss.
The deep rest of curling up with a book next to a fire and the hint of cinnamon lingering on my lips from the tea in my hands.
The chance to lay my tired body down on a welcoming bed, knowing that for the next 7 hours, even if I didn’t sleep, I could at least do nothing and that’s ok.
Life doesn’t always make sense, but it always sends invitations.
To slow down.
To lean in.
To do the next right thing.