Sometimes you don’t want to be all of who you are because it honestly, doesn’t seem to make sense. And what doesn’t seem to make sense is hard to explain - hard for people to ‘get’, and you want them to GET you because you want to connect. To have a place.
Where is your place if you don’t make sense?
Welcome to my world.
I’ve never made sense.
I’m laughing inside as I write this cause I’m friends with a lot of people on FB that I went to high school with and I wonder which of them will stumble upon this post (ahem, take the time to read it) and nod to themselves, cause they know it’s true.
Growing up, I was a lonely girl - friend to all - with not too many friends at all.
I could fit in wherever I wanted to.
But never fully did.
Or actually wanted to.
I felt like no matter where I went, there was a part of me that made NO sense to them.
So I hid those pieces - safely away, not to risk being the outcast - not to risk my cards being seen - needing to play safe and not FULLY be me.
I did it in school.
And not only did all THAT suffer - but I suffered, lost inside it.
Lost parts of me.
Silenced parts of me.
Made to be -
But who are we kidding? I’ve never played THAT game either!!
Step ford? Ahhhhh HELL no.
But still filtered.
Like a half assed sell out.
But not all IN either.
Until I was.
See, there’s a point at which you DECIDE to go all in. To not just play the game - but master it.
When I made that choice, I also chose to be ME.
Fully. Completely. Fiercely. Unapologetically.
Does that mean I switched into FULLY ME overnight?
I was willing to.
I was committed.
I meant it.
But there are often layers to the bullshit.
You think you get there and realize you’ve just begun.
So last night, during another round of insomnia inspired creativity…
I faced a few more demons.
A few more cards.
A few more layers of unleashing.
Last night blended into this morning.
And I was in tears.
Want to know what I learned? What I saw?
(Sorry for the let -down, but hear me out.)
It’s more that my eyes were opened and I claimed another level of PERMISSION… to embrace my total JUXTAPOSITION.
I’m not a fucking ray of light… all the time.
I’m not a bullshit busting exposer of darkness… all the time.
Or am I?
Both of them.
All the time…
Love and light? Not in my world. That’s not all there is.
I’ve played enough hands to know that the struggle and pain is REAL.
But poor me, why, what if, and could be?
I don’t play to that either.
Cause that’s what life is.
I’m a bitch.
Because that’s what sovereign is.
Knowing yourself enough to HONOR yourself enough to lay down your SOUL law and play your hand like a killer cosmic queen with a big fucking dream…
That’s a SELFMADE life.
With all the contradictions, light and darkness, hard times and joy, hot mess, ugly cry, glam face juxtaposition of me.
Because I’m worth the peace of mind that comes with not giving a fuck whether or not I make sense.
I no longer care if I don’t make sense.
If I made sense - you might get comfortable.
I’m not here to keep anyone cozy - I’m here to light fires, burn paradigms and fly first class along the way.
And I’ll take you with me if you’re hungry for unleashing.
If you’re down for the cosmic fulfilling expanding chaos - join me.
If not - escort yourself along.
I’m here to 10x my message and my boldness behind it.
Are you game?
x Navae x