I’m sitting at home more tired than I’ve been in a long time. My eyes burn and my head is spinning. I want to nap but I can’t seem to. I sip my coffee clinging to the imminent relief I depend on it to deliver. I look out the window and I remember the last time I felt like this.
It was not a happy time.
It was a time when I wasn’t sure what was next for me in my life.
My health was weak.
My relationship was falling apart.
My business was unstable.
Nothing felt secure. No safety anywhere.
I didn’t know which problem to solve first as each needed energy from the others.
So I’d lay on the couch and stare out the window hoping for a grand awakening or for a deep wave of sleep to wash over me delivering the cosmic level of rest I so badly needed.
I remember those times like they were yesterday because today - my eyelids have the same heaviness. Have you ever felt like that? You know what you need to do but you’re so tired that you can’t even keep your eyes open long enough to solve them?
That’s where I was.
It was miserable.
And today, though I feel the same in my eyes and body,
I’m not miserable.
The very fact that I feel so similar to how I did then - but I’m not a prisoner to the pain it was caused by, keeps me light. Feeling alive.
Thankful to be alive.
That’s a contrast to before.
I never actually contemplated suicide then, as an option, but I did long for the escape side of it all. I didn’t want to die. But I did want to break. To get hit by a car or crash or something - that wouldn’t destroy me, but mess me up enough to land me in the hospital for a few months to repair.
Partly because I was so tired and felt in some twisted desperate way that that situation would give me what I needed. The other motivation, honestly, was because I wanted “them” to suffer. Particularly, my partner at the time.
He was hurting me and either couldn’t see it or didn’t care.
Which was worse, I wasn’t sure.
Would you rather be a hurting and screaming alarm that couldn’t be heard? Or a silenced and ignored one?
Either way, the alarms of my life were going off. My body was screaming. This tiredness wasn’t a symptom as much as it represented how much I couldn’t handle it all anymore.
Something had to give and he didn’t seem to get it.
That meant it was on me.
On one hand - I knew that. I knew I had to be the one to make the big choices, drastic changes and draw lines in the sand. I’d decide to and move forward from that “no shit taken” space of power, until like the tide, I’d pull back again. Sucked into the deeper pull of my heart that was angry and hurt and felt it wasn’t fair that I, the hurt one, had to do all the work.
And that was the cycle that kept things moving in the direction of struggle.
But never fully there. Never fully happy or satisfied, or clear about my path, or believing in myself, and every area of my life reflected that.
Major ‘aha’ moment: People everywhere talk about how you set the standard for how you want life to be, but how many people actually get what that means and what it takes to do it??
It’s easy to talk about when you’ve got the energy to move through your day, when you’re clear about the direction you want to go, when you don’t have other people to take care of - or when you don’t have someone messing with your mind and manipulating the fuck out of your emotions.
But let me tell you - walking the “you can do it” talk in the middle of the fog? That shit is like a time loop that doesn’t stop… Unless you know how to see through it.
That’s what I had to learn. And I did learn it.
Master it, even.
But mastery only came once I decided it was non-negotiable. (that’s another story)
I was tired of tired. Of confused and scared, depressed and lonely.
I realized for the the first time, in full color, that this was my life. My chance. The span of time I had on earth to live!!! And not just that - but I had my kids! They were watching my example.
Not only did I want to come back to life fully, but I wanted my children to follow in my victorious footsteps - not my powerless ones.
So I made a choice.
That same tired miserable week, I stepped out and took radical action in defense of my life and purpose and legacy.
I made a list of all the things I felt out of control and lost around and how I wanted them to be. (I knew that how I wanted them to be was how they were meant to be, so there would be a solution for each to become my reality.)
I included everything.
I wrote about my body; my fitness and even my skin. (It had lost it’s glow and joy and health and I desperately wanted that back!)
I wrote about my hair, my clothes, my habits and health.
I wrote about my business, my relationship, my dreams, my art, my friends and family and kids.
No stone left uncovered.
I was remodeling.
.. Into who I was meant to be, into what I was meant for THIS WHOLE TIME but couldn’t see.
Once I was clear about what needed to be changed, some things required simple shifts and additions, like drinking more water, journaling and meditation. Other things - I knew my mind was too conditioned to protecting me from hurt and the unknown and would slip back into old patterns of sabotage if I didn’t have support. So I hired a coach. Two of them.
And invested in my business so I could stop complaining about slow growth there. (IE: stop feeling powerless and lost and using my failed biz as ammo against my partner. YUP.)
I wanted autonomy in an even greater sense.
Not just financial freedom of my own making… but freedom as mySELF. Freedom to be myself, to be free and healed and to live fully according to my standards by my own power and drive!!
And I did it.
Because I chose it.
Because I didn’t let the challenge of time, pain, people or money get in the way.
When you want something bad enough - when you need it badly enough - when you’re life and sanity and future depend on it - you’ll always make a way.
It was then, that I decided to be “no matter what” about my SELF.
That’s a legacy I could stand behind. One I could cheer my kids on in as they follow the same.
I don’t go there anymore; into powerless wondering, filtering, questioning and sabotaging.
I trust myself.
I know myself.
And whatever I’m faced with, I know how to get through it.
Sometimes that means doing it myself, and sometimes it means getting outside help. But my heart always knows which one it needs because I’ve mastered the art of hearing my heart….and listening.
Your power will become unleashed in you - your life will take off into freedom when you choose you’re worth what you desire and take action with a whatever-it-takes level of commitment and personal investment.
I believe in you,
PS: If you’ve gotten this far, there’s a good chance you’ve been there or are there. If you’re beyond ready to RECLAIM your life as your own in all the areas, apply to work with me 1:1.
This is an intensive all-inclusive process that covers every area of your HOLISTIC LEGACY:
Overhaul your health and fitness
Reprogram your mental habits
Find power in your pain
Love without losing yourself
Find the truth of you and own it fully
Fall in love with your intuition and learn to trust yourself again
Accelerate your business success with massive clarity (for the business builders)
Turn your daily chaos into creative healing and goal crushing
Create your wealth autonomy plan
Build a legacy of leadership
Get your power, your joy AND your sexy back
I have no intention of giving you a bunch of regurgitated tools and leaving you to just figure it all out for yourself. This is a high-touch, daily support opportunity to keep you on track and in your power. I’m your partner on this journey and I’m dedicated to your overcoming, your rising, and your limitless thriving.
When we’re done, you’re going to be… different. You’re going to think differently. You’re going to move through your day differently. Stronger, light in your step. You’re going to know what to do and be excited to do it. You’ll get shit done. Your confidence will go through the roof. Your body will change. (seriously). You’re going to reach a whole new level of sexy because YOU in your power, taking charge of your life and being who you came here to be in ALL THE THINGS - is the most beautiful, empowered choice you’ll ever make. And people will see it. They’ll comment on how you’re glowing. They’ll ask what you’re doing.
And you’ll say - with full abandon -
I’m FINALLY doing ME.
Are you ready?
Spaces are limited as is my time. Committed change seekers only, please.